Author Archives: Chika 🌴🌴

Different kind of flavor πŸ™‚

Echoes of Absence


I’m tired of the silence.
Tired of hearing the same words
my mind keeps spinning
like a broken tape 
haunted by the echo of absence.


I yearn for companionship,
but sometimes I wonder…
is that really what my heart wants,
or just what my loneliness dressed up in fantasy?


My head crafts scenarios,
full of scenes I never lived,
moments I never had β€”
and somehow convinces me
that I’m missing out on something.


I don’t even know what.
But it hurts.


I’m scared.
I’m walking blind through uncharted territory,
and my mental health…
is already paying the price.


All this time,
all this energy,
wasted on someone
who never even looked in my direction.


I always choose the ones who don’t choose me.
And somehow,
my mind lies β€”
paints a picture that keeps me going,
pulls me in like a drug.


Hooked on hope,
high on illusions,
and then…
everything falls apart.


Again.

Black paradox

It’s difficult finding someone who really treats you like you matter, I’m tired of feeling the need to fill this massive void of loneliness with someone’s affection and care. I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for, feels like I’m a lost cause. I’m lost in both worlds at the same time suffering from addictions. How can I stop what makes me feel like me? These addictions somewhat help to keep me as ease(floating). Most times it feels like I’m running out of time but In reality my times already started, the constant pressure, thinking and rapid moods wings makes me feel like a burden is placed on my shoulder and on my mind constantly thinking will I make it out at all? Part of me is already gone. This has always been me secretly getting tired of β€œsomething’s” and still convincing myself I need those things. What i want I never got, what I got I never thought of wanting it then again, What I crave for I got but why isn’t it enough for me?
My life is like a Pandora’s box I can’t seem to figure it out.

Point of view

I’ve gone miles to really know someone but no one really knows me, the real me not the facade nor act I play for my audience, it’s become part of me and the play must go on.

Each day a piece of me Chips away I barely recognize myself. Tell yourself all the lies you want but no one actually loves being alone, even God wasn’t alone. You ever been in that stage of your life where your head makes up lies to cover the reality of Shiit just to make you feel alright or you tell yourself your not to blame to ease your conscience( I know that messed up), you ever feel you’re in a constant battle with your mind that you can’t even trust your thoughts……..in a way I think we all messed up, well some more than others have it worse. But at the end of the day we just trying to win this battle of sanity.

TO all Over-thinkers out there I hope we can relate

What you said still rings like an alarm in my head, sadly yes I’m an over-thinker and you should have known that.

I let myself down, I shouldn’t have shown you the vulnerable side of me, that’s a lesson well served! Yes I’m an over thinker

I stare at a mirror all I can see is that text

I listen to music my head changes the word to the damaging things you said, yes I’m an over thinker!

I’m starting to feel like I’m being extra, but I can’t be the regular me with you, that me is worse than me. You made me so comfortable I feel trapped and suffocated at this point I can’t even vent. Yes I’m an over-thinker!

Watch the way you speak to me and tone, yes I’m an over thinker!

I’m scared of what my head tells me to do because it’ll just lead to me messing things up and blaming it for on you to ease my subconscious, maybe it’s right maybe it’s wrong, yes I’m an over thinker!

Confused

Trapped in a parallel universe

Had an encounter with the person I’ve always wanted to be, but observed from a distance

I can’t be that person because that’ll be losing my identity,

I’m tired of this uncertainty,

My mind doesn’t like me,

My head plots against me,

And my emotions fucking play with me,

I’m not even in control of my own body,

It does what it wants and then regret later.

Only thing I’m allowed to control in my body it’s my eye so I can see myself making same mistakes over and over again and my heart so I can feel the pain.

What scares me about myself is the fact that I’m ok with everything wrong about to happen, no pain no heartbreak no hurt just this numb feeling of emptiness.

I’m lost

Why’d you give me space?Why’d we fight? Now all I can think about is someone I used to know, someone i have nothing with no more, someone I can’t go back to all of a sudden I miss her, well that was just a moment of weakness. I know I can’t fully have you, You let me know you’re spoken for but relentlessly I pestered on and now we’re in the other side, I’m left wondering if I know what I’m doing, if I made a right choice, if you can love two people at the same time. I know I’m living a lie, it feels like I’m waiting for my mirage to come crashing down and the painful breeze of reality comes brining me back to this old person, someone I left behind for a time or so I thought, I don’t want to be that person any more, it feels trapped, anxiety, depression, it feels sad really really sad, it feels like i can’t breathe. The irony of it’s all is that I loathe the old person but deep deep down I miss and want him back.

Lonely

I have to let you go

I wonder if you ever look back and miss me

Well that’s a lie

Read our old chats and smile

I have to let you go

I don’t want to feel love or want companion

I want to be empty

It hurts to see myself going through the same loop over and over again

I know how these plays out

Do I not care?

Do I care?

Do I stay and see it through or should I just leave and save myself the pain?

How can I turn off these emotions?

I care to much

I’m gullible and prone to destruction

Why can’t I love myself and be enough for myself?

Why do I let people in: being alone is lonely and alone I don’t want to feel lonely

I keep plotting over myself

I need help!

Please.

Sincerely,

WestπŸ’”

Being nice sucks!

Reality kicks in and swift painful reminder I’m alone,

This emptiness inside me grows,

All that place is a reminder and anchor of pain and despair, how can I go back!

Haunting me, feels as though I have an axe over my head that keeps falling and still placed up there,

I wish I wasn’t this nice and sweet,

All it ever got me was pain and pain over and over again,

I don’t know man,

I just wish I could turn it off, my emotions

It’s easy to love but it’s hard to be loved,

I give up on it all,

I just the old me back, depressed, anxious, sad, angry, cold, expecting the worst from everyone, I miss that me truly.

WestπŸ’”

Cookie:2:50a.m

I keep staring at your pictures and videos

My thoughts made you my oasis

On a regular basis

Cloudy weather siege

My comfort peach

In the same lucid dreams they’re troubled waters

Lessing bad days and stormy weathers

You’ve made me look forward to making it through the day sane as look forward to seeing you

Frozen in time before you arrived

With your fiery hug you strived

Freed me of myself no longer numb

RAW EMOTIONS

Wishing I was an anime character

Where my life is in stage and written

These times I see hard and brutal

Put a price on my agony

Everyone wants to see me sad

The society not helping matters

Feels hard to live

This life I live isn’t right

Going through the same cycle over and over again

Never made a right choice

Even my Angel keeps hurting me

Heart bleeding,

Mind unrest

Took away my sleep with your thought

Still fell for the same trap

Oh how stupid

All this emotions one sided

I bet you don’t feel a thing

Hence forth I’m hardened

To my love

My fantasy at last came through,
Few hours with you made me safe😴
Never have I kissed such tender lips and held such body(just right)
I looked into your eyes as you stroked my face, I saw myself I knew you the one I want to be with, can’t loose you nowπŸ˜–
When you stared at me I was frozen, memories of that day implant on my mind and thought keeps on playing itπŸ™‚
As I drew you closer and felt your breath on my chin, couldn’t resist the urge of kissing you. Babe you like the sun to me I wish to see you everyday and Like the moon whether full or half still gonna love you 🀍

Cry’s Of A Lady

A world of heartfelt descite
Last words from my foe
Abhor your woe
Lust not after that which I can’t control
Noble yet devious
A young madam cried out
Hand me not a flame which burns everything in it’s path called love
For he knows no chivalry and his heart knows not love
For he can not be trusted
Our voice caged, we speaketh not
Our cries unheard
Our voices disarmed
Till our flames go offπŸ’”

Vendetta

The revolution has begun
The vendetta started with guns
A fearless hero who once laughed in the face of death
Down to his last life became scared when death came
but with courage, fought for his life
And death became scared, for it was not yet time.
And eye for an eye, the black birds says
Only the dead knows the truth in afterlife
Two worlds apart 
blades of fury
guns akimbo
A contract I have signed
A hundred years of service
before eternal glory

What is Friendship

it is a feeling of belonging you get from being around people that actually wants you around, people that make you feel happy and alive. Today my friends really made my day, we didn’t actually go any where at al, we where seated at a table and had lots of conversation and mocked each other joke fully, some got annoyed but still laughed, that the power of friendship. Although we aren’t that close I still feel apart of their inner circle, there family and am grateful for that. Being in the university is not as easy as one thinks, yes there’s freedom but any choice you make will definitely affect you in the nearest future.
My first university love made me question the reality love and existence of emotions and when we “broke up” I din’t feel hurt because i was used to getting hurt by her and that’s no different from the sienro. I didn’t realize in time that when she left, she took away my only source of happiness and after something i became this person who was sad, angry, hateful and wanted to be all alone, that changed me, until yesterday, I finally got the courage to stop a random girl and talked to her, that rush of pain that goes  directly to my chest and and feeling of a compliment when she gives me her number, that I missed and that brought me back to life. Before then I always told myself that I was the problem, I couldn’t just start a whole new relationship with someone new, the stress and all that, but that was a lie I told myself than accepting the fact I lost courage or “mojo”.

The truth about happiness

I don’t believe that happiness is a choice, to me it’s a feeling that arises from doing things or being with someone who sees you, who doesn’t judge you at the same time tell you the truth, you don’t chose to be happy for no just reason, every action has a reason, in other to be happy you need to find what’s makes you at ease. The moment I let her go, I let my happiness go, you have to think differently to see transparent truth of happiness hidden around. Please don’t just like, also share and comment your take on the truth about happiness.

How you make me feel

I know your busy n all, all I ever wanted was care n support I just wanted u to be there for me to want me. That’s all I asked for. Call her or not she doesn’t care it feels like am doing the most doesn’t knw if she cares bout me or not, I see her as more than friends but she sees like a friend maybe with benefits. I keep on acting as though everything is ok while is not deep down am scared of history repeating itself, am scared of letting go cause I might end up regretting so i leave with the pain in silence and morn my dead confidence.
Have lost a gift I barely got and know not how to get it back, what a crew sad life 

Something new

know my words ain’t good enough ain’t special enough but there my only way to express what I feel. Thus,
troubled waters worried heart
my mind knows no peace
my heart knows no love
broken In two rivers( lies and decite)
cursed to walk the earth a thousand years
I fight a battle which I can’t fight back with each pain I inflict on my opponent I feel double. it’s kinder sad that the people who I thought knew me are starting to believe who people think I am. People say that am proud, full of me, am a snub, not friendly, gothic. But tonight, as I drown my way through the bottom of this bottle I realized that am just misunderstood, and have a lot of enemies which I know not about.All those pains back again, I thought I dealt with them, all it took was a phone call and shit bipolar again. All I ever wanted was a world where I am noticed, a world people value me, a world where I am never forgotten, I want a reality where am being given a choice to choose what i want. I sit and wonder if this present life was a punishment given to me because ofΒ  maybe what my past selfs did.😒

To my love. Whom so ever.

yeah true I hardly know you but it feels like have known you forever,
from the first time you looked at me
seeing you felt like a sun rising how so beautiful 🌝 loving you is the best choice has made so far and am so lucky I get to make it every day, Each time I see you smile it feels like being given a flower, and over the days those flowers πŸ₯€ have grown into a garden, if you my love were to be a drug am a die of an overdose cause I can’t get enough of you πŸ–€, oh how I wish u could see u through my eyes cause you are perfection. My last made me feel like I’ll never love again but your existence changes it.

Numb

minds rally, thoughts foggy I feel it coming but those words no we’re to be found. My life feels like an epiphanyΒ  I can’t even see the oasis right in front of me. Abandoned by courage, deceived by insecurities, what I desire the most I can’t get, sometimes I question why am made like this. Quite funny you know this day I feel empty I know not who I am, my purpose not yet revealed, Have sought answers in a land of lost, far and wide the problems I must face head-on.
oh, how may I achieve that which I know not, an endless runner in a maze of surprises, I always have this feeling that I have finally changed but am still d same somehow, I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made in d past but the same occurrence keeps on happening

Block

I feel like with each breath I take am losing myself and getting more unsatisfied with it.
I feel like the weight of the whole world rests upon my shoulder, I feel like they are patiently waiting for me to screw up. The pain of rejection hurts more than death. I was told once that time heals the deepest wound and also leave the nastiest scare, I always visualized talking to you, I always thought of what to say to and now I have the courage I don’t feel like talking no more. Drowned in my thoughts, chocked by my feelings, my mind fogy playing tricks on me I don’t understand i wished I had a wish to take the pain away
Cause those p**l can’t help me.πŸ’”

I need answers

To my father:
Why always compare me with others?
Why act as though you own me?
Am almost 18 aren’t I old enough to be me?
Why do you prefer others to me?
Why recall what I regret doing?
Why make me feel unsafe in my own home?
Why make me feel the need to run away?
Why did you make me hate you this way?
Why do I feel better and happy when you’re not around?
Why don’t you appreciate me?
Why make me hate you every day?
Why do you push us away?
Why do you hate me this way?
Why always threaten me?
Β Β Β Β Β  These are the questions I ask myself each time am depressed, sadly am always depressed. You’ve made me an enemy, have never been close to you never felt your love or any of those shit, even a fucking hug I ain’t gotten from you. Each time I see you play with those kids it pains me because you never played with me like that or at all. I always felt that you didn’t want me.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  What do fathers love feel like?To my father:
Why always compare me with others?
Why act as though you own me?
Am almost 18 aren’t I old enough to be me?
Why do you prefer others to me?
Why recall what I regret doing?
Why make me feel unsafe in my own home?
Why make me feel the need to run away?
Why did you make me hate you this way?
Why do I feel better and happy when you’re not around?
Why don’t you appreciate me?
Why make me hate you every day?
Why do you push us away?
Why do you hate me this way?
Why always threaten me?
Β Β Β Β Β  These are the questions I ask myself each time am depressed, sadly am always depressed. You’ve made me an enemy, have never been close to you never felt your love or any of those shit, even a fucking hug I ain’t gotten from you. Each time I see you play with those kids it pains me because you never played with me like that or at all. I always felt that you didn’t want me.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  What do fathers love feel like?

Words

Do not measure yourself by the success of others, do not make it a habit to be what people expect you to be. Everyone is different and special in their way.
This is a sad world filled with disappointment
Humans that’s what the universe calls us, this world wasn’t made fair so it took out its revenge on us humans. Some people are handed shit while some work for what we want. Being black means survival, that a fact that black means survivals ο’š.
Β Β Β Β Β Β  Many people try to change who they the are so people would like them but truly everyone’s broken and messed up but their better hiding it than you are, always remember the world doesn’t revolve round a person.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  Am proud to be black. Black life’s matter

Kold world

Many things come and go
Put in a black list ain’t no joke
Now being watched by spirits
Even my shadow judge me
Demons really exist in bodies
No longer safe always watch your back
People who want you dead tells in time
There’s a difference between songs and lyrics
I dance to the song and sing along with lyrics
Such melodies untold
Tales of monsters coming to existence
That day I’ll never forget
Finally unmasking themselves
Left alone to wonder and die
How I survived this year’s unknown
A father’s love have I never felt
Left without an angel to fight my battles
The devils coming after me
So glad she didn’t get me
Always see her in my mirrors
How can I forget
When it feels like she’s always watching my every move
Finally back to my old self
But locked in a room I cant get out
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  ****Antisocial****

Messed up

Jupiter and Mars are at war and am that planet in between, my emotions are nothing caked there scattered, my emotions were never built rather were always destroyed. Through this depiction could my vision be getting entangled with forces I don’t know about. would this add to my trauma?

Why do I always listen to my thoughts instead of my heart? why do I do things without thinking about the consequences? Why do I want to get involved in something I know nothing about? Do I need to turn to dust to confirm am dead inside at the end I wonder why I do things that make me was at the end. People always say laugh now cry later.

Mash Of Emotions

Therapy is just an excuse to be called crazy
Have had my worse days where I wished I had a button to press and my whole life resets and starts afresh.

Have wished for a lot of things and asked me and asked myself where I would be if that didn’t happen. Many people doubt their self-esteem, some accept who they are and deal with certain situations. To be mature doesn’t only mean coming of age it means knowing the contrast between two things choosing the right part and dealing with your mistakes. Always remember all fingers are not the same
Same as all humans aren’t the same. Watch yourself, know who you are and where you come from.

Oh have they longed waited for my arrival
Ye a speech have I prepared for the rehearsal
Am finally back to my hemisphere
But the same time scared my β€œbiggest fear”
Came with me. Oh what a crew world
Took my love away without a word
left alone in the dark left with my thoughts
But ye came fourth
Thy memories which we share
Takes the fear
Away

Love and Hate

Love and hate
Love:
Never love that which you cannot keep, protect, fight for. Each night without you beside me places my mind on an ending roller coaster, with you in with me I can deal with the bad days because you’re always there to push that dark cloud hovering over my head.
Always go through my playlists searching for that song that defines how I feel for you, I have longed to search for a song that helps put my feelings in check, love blinds makes you see things that are not real. My love for her was real or as I think or could it have been the comfort, affection, and trust that I needed that moment that blinded me. Nevertheless, loves is a construct of punishment for the weak. For love is strong and only the strong can survive. How strong enough are you to love?

Hate :
Gave you my love and heart in one piece but you let it fall. All I did was try to let the whole know about you and me but somehow you got it all wrong. Maybe I made a mistake and it costs me to lose you all I can think of is ways to hate you in order not to be reminded of the good old days. I tell myself how much I hate you, how I wish to replace you. Maybe you didn’t reciprocate my feeling for you am filled with rage which burns through my eyes blinding my emotions making me do the same to others. But stopped on the way to destruction and realise that I walk in the say way as you did which makes this an unending cycle of love and hate. Could she have been a victim? In the end which prevails? Love always comes with hate.